Hi,
My name is Jessica. I could start off by going into a long background about myself but instead I'll start here and you can start with me.
Writing has always been a great outlet for me, and so is creating art. Crocheting is just one form of art that I love to express and I've found to be very comforting and relaxing.
So what do I need to be relaxed about? There's a lot of stressers in life, but the biggest one lately has become trying to get pregnant. Anyone who's ever tried this can tell you that no matter what the circumstance, to a woman, getting pregnant is the most stressful situation they could ever experience.
Even for families with more then 5 children, when they're trying for number 6, it's still like flipping a coin every month you're trying. Even the most persistent women, with no problems, and doing things like charting, temping and checking their fluids, it can drive a woman to the edge when it comes down to the end of their cycle and taking that test.
I am a mother of 2 beautiful children, but I've been pregnant 4 times. I love my children very much and I'm very blessed to have them, but I'd also give anything to have the 2 I lost.
Most people don't understand until it happens to them, but having a miscarriage, even if it's within the first week of finding out, is devastating. The moment a woman gets a positive pregnancy test, they instantly bond with that being that has formed inside of them, it's almost like your own personal miracle. The thought that you are growing a living human being INSIDE of you and the reason they even exist is because you're carrying them, they're sharing your blood and your soul, losing them is like losing a baby who's already been born or a very close loved one, it is the worst feeling ever. It's like someone took your heart out of your chest and stomped on it.
The only thing comparable that I can think of is a break up of your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend that you felt since you met them was your soul mate. You feel so sick with grief, you literally vomit. If you've ever experienced that feeling, then you might be able to say you understand how I feel and how others in my position felt when they lost their pregnancies.
I lost my last one when I was almost 13 weeks along. I was working my way into my second trimester when nature took it's course, and my baby with it. My doctors told me since they scanned me at 10 weeks that my baby was gone, but I refused to believe it. I cried for weeks and looked for any reason for my doctor to be wrong. I ran to my local hospitals and called other doctors hoping one of them would agree with me, that my baby was still alive but no one would give me that hope, but I refused to cave in and get a D&C/D&E like I had done back in January 2006 after I was told during my pregnancy then at 10 weeks that my baby was gone...
When it came time, I bled and passed my baby on my own... I contracted and suffered through the same pain as a woman going through childbirth at full term, only I did it in my bathroom, lying in my bathtub crying not wanting to believe it was real. No epidural, no pain medication, just straight labor...
Since that fateful day at the end of October, I've vowed to try and get pregnant again...
At first, announcing this to my family, they didn't have much to say, although I knew they didn't approve, I was happy they didn't say anything against me about it... However, it is now January and many of my family members have been upset and have finally voiced their opinions about.
Have you ever had a family member tell you how to live your life? What they think you should do, how many kids you should have (if any at all) what you should spend your money on, what your job should be? Then you know how I feel on this issue too.
I don't have much money, but I make sure every penny goes to my children first and that they are given EVERYTHING they need to succeed in life. So even though we don't have much money, they have more then what most children have at their age. It's not a competition, but I know how important education is. I don't buy my kids iPads, let them play Call of Duty Black Ops II, but I do buy them LeapPads, First Computer Keyboards and educational video games, anything to further their knowledge.
I've paid the extra money to put them into summer camps that offer just a little more then a free summer camp would. I've cancelled my own dr. appts and scheduled around my children's activities, even if it meant putting them off until I can safely make them without disrupting my kid's day to make sure my kids get all the education they can.
I've also learned how to budget and save appropriately and I don't go carelessly buying things without considering every single dollar and making sure my kids are taken care of first.
So while having a 3rd child may seem like a burden to many, it would only be one more blessing to me...
Reading this, you might be seeing me jumping around a lot in my speaking, just an endless run on of information, well, this is how I go into my 'beginning' with you.
So why I do I have Crocheting as part of this?
Well that's the next part!
Like I said, Crocheting is a form of art to me, an outlet/a release, a way to keep myself relaxed... so that's what I do... throughout the last few months since my most recent loss, I've sought different outlets...
I work online, I earn a little extra to help take care of me and my children by selling multiple things and freelancing.... cell phone cases, clothes that haven't been worn or gently worn on eBay, freelancing with multiple clients on a site called Elance, clicking ads on a site called Clixsense, and finally, crocheting items and selling them on a site called Etsy.
On top of artwork, I find solace in numbers... numbers can't be wrong, they are what they are, which is what drives me to earn and to sell. This might sound like I'm a control freak, but it's a way for me to keep things in perspective. Things happen sometimes, but at least if you're prepared for them to happen, it's not as a bad a shock. I've managed a business before, and I lost it just as quick. I dove in without being prepared, I trusted a company that shouldn't have been trusted and was completely blindsided by their tactics. While I was trying to be prepared for others to use this company against me, I wasn't prepared for the company itself to turn on me.
Since then, I've worked hard to find different ways to earn a living with the internet world in a way that not only is comfortable, but relaxing... Crocheting items has finally helped that cause...
You see this Rose? I crocheted it. This is an actual picture of MY rose... I never thought I could even take a good picture, one that looked like the professional ones people post all the time. But I found by laying down a few pieces of copy paper and putting other artwork blurred in the background with right angle of the camera, it really can look professional.
Artwork, no matter what it is, once you're finished with it, it gives you a sense of pride. Like giving birth, you created this and to you, it looks amazing and you have an overwhelming sort of joy about it!
So that's what this blog is all about! Throughout it you'll be reading my journey in life and about the artwork I create along the way. You might even see more then just crochet artwork, you might also see photos that I retouch or little pixelated graphic artwork I draw, such as these I've done in the past:
I hope I can help many who have questions about their own journeys too, which is the main purpose of this blog. I know I have lots of questions myself, and I've always used the internet to look for answers and who better to answer them, then someone who's gone through it before! So please feel free to comment anytime or ask questions... If I ask a question in my blog, or if you want to share your own experience to compare to mine, please do! I know the best way to outlet anything, is to talk about it ^_^
Thank you all, and please enjoy ^_^